123 Main Street
Somewhere Hot in July
456 Main Street
Somewhere in Head Office Land
A Very Hot Day in July, 2016
Are you trying to kill me?
I know the early bird gets the worm, or in this case, the light blue duotang (which coincidently is not a real word according to Word and any other word processing program), but why do you insist on selling school supplies in July?
My heart rate increases (ok, I admit the Heart and Stroke Foundation would probably like it to increase a bit from its current status, but this is not what they had in mind), I get all sweaty, my stomach lurches, and occasionally very bad words slip out of my mouth at the site of those pencils and paper. Some years, I even throw up in my mouth. Repeatedly.
Now if you camouflaged those scissors and rulers down in office supplies, where they rightfully belong, all would be well, or at least, excusable. But no siree, you insist on placing them right out front, so there is no escaping their presence. Yup, here’s your cart on your right and over here to your left is your brand new box of 64 crayons (which by the way, should be illegal, but that’s a whole other topic).
There should be a set beginning to the Back-to-School shopping season. It could even be government regulated, just like hunting or fishing season. And while we are on the topic, age restrictions would be good too (right up there with buying cigarettes and alcohol). Here are the set days (I suggest the third week of August to the last week of September) and the age requirements (17+).
Walmart, you could be a trend setter. Picture it! Keep the fans and air conditioners out front, along with the bubbles and pool supplies. Let us live in our sunscreen and (pool) chemical(ly) induced vacation fantasy worlds a little longer.
Come on. I’m not asking for rainbows and unicorns here, folks. School is eventually going to begin. There’s no stopping it. The leaves will change colour. The air will grow cooler. Pencils will be sharpened and zippers zippered. But right now, while I’m dripping in sweat from some July pre-menopausal hot flash, I am not in the mood for buying school supplies. My July pay check was meant for overpriced ice cream cones and slushies. Sell the awesomeness of school supplies when it cooler outside, so we don’t have to try to convince our little ones that the polka dots on their light blue duotangs were made that way by the company, and not their mother’s sweat and tears dripping onto them in the shopping cart.
I am certain that we can come to a mutually agreed upon decision here. If you are willing to meet with me to discuss this matter more fully, I can be found in the candy section of your store buying freezies at least once a week. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.
And just so you know how serious this issue is, I am passing this letter along to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Don’t be surprised if you hear from them too this year regarding the early starts to their seasons.
A melting-in-July mother of 2 and teacher of many more
cc: Santa Claus