Did I say that out loud?

Thoughts and musings of a mom

The reality of my future in television

on October 1, 2013

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Let’s face it. We have all stolen a few moments out of our busy schedules to take in an episode or two of a reality program at some point in the last ten years or so. So even if they drive you crazy, they go against everything you believe in or you would rather watch “real actors,” (which is kind of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), they are out there and every channel has one on them.

In honour of a new television season starting, I thought I would share with you why you probably won’t find my shining face starring in any of them.

Let’s begin with the obvious one, American Idol. I sing, I love to sing. But ironically in my 41 years on this planet, not once has someone come up to me and asked why I haven’t auditioned yet for American Idol. I teach kindergarten. Never at a parent teacher interview has a parent brought up the topic of how I taught their child to sing and therefore I must have an outstanding voice. Never has a member of our church’s worship team walked off the stage, came up to me in mid-song, handed me a mic and declared that I must join them. Never has someone caught me singing to the elevator music in the middle of the grocery store, and asked me if I would join the local choral society. Never. Surprising. Oh, and I’m not American.

Move on to Big Brother now. Let’s just put it this way. I’m not a member of their target audience. I’m not in my twenties anymore or even (gasp!) my thirties. I could be the token mom, Christian, older person, plus sized model (the model part is a stretch, like 100% spandex), with a graduate degree and a full time job. That would be too many strikes against me. How would they refer to me on the bottom of the tv screen each time I spoke in the Diary Room?

Well, then there’s Survivor. I would be the first person kicked off the island because I wouldn’t hug the other contestants once we reached dry land. Seriously folks. I haven’t watched this show lately, but it used to be in the first episode, the contestants would all be on some boat in the middle of the water, they would reach dry land and then hug as if they had just finished a marathon or two. Like the television crew was going to let you drown out there or become the next meal of the Loch Ness Monster. Then there’s the food. I’m not sure I could pace myself accordingly when they finally fed me real food and would inevitably throw up even though the entire viewing audience was yelling at me to slow down and not be such a pig. And I couldn’t eat the bugs even though I’ve been in training since I’ve had kids and eat their leftover fast food at least a time or two a month.

Next up, cooking shows. Let’s try Masterchef. I make really, really good frogs. That’s it. They’re even better than my sister’s who at one point in her life was going to complete a Home Economics degree. Yes, that’s it, really, really good frogs.

You knew I have to go there. The Bachelor. I’m happily married already. That kind of puts a glitch in things, now doesn’t it? Oh, and all of my cocktail dresses are at the cleaners and those heels wouldn’t be good for my bunion. Nope, can’t do it, my 12 year old podiatrist would frown upon those shoes.

And finally, let’s get out my dancing shoes for So You Think You Can Dance (ok, podiatrist-approved Clark’s). I’ve got the moves and in the 30-odd square feet of free space between my kitchen island and the dining table, I can bust a move. That is until someone rings our front doorbell and looks through the window which is in the direct line of vision of my personal dance floor. I’ve had some formal dance training back in the 80s (one lesson in country line dancing), but I don’t think that’s going to do it in the cutthroat dance industry.

So there you have it folks. No need to ask for any autographs yet because this girl is definitely not going to be a reality program star this season. I could probably go on forever with this one, but for now I’ll let you get back to your regularly scheduled programming.

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9 responses to “The reality of my future in television

  1. You do make the best frogs! I know this because it is your recipe – “Christy’s Frogs” – that I use every time I make them. I got it from Elaine. How fun! PS if any of your readers think you are cooking up real frogs, do know that they are what others might call chocolate macaroons. I don’t know many outside of the Maritimes or perhaps even NB or even Albert County who call them frogs.

  2. Beth says:

    “the model part is a stretch, like 100% spandex”…….this is indeed, the most classic Christy blog entry yet. lol : )

  3. Anna says:

    You would make the most awesomest competitors on Amazing Race! Except that I don’t want you to compete ’cause then we’d have to battle it out against you. 🙂 Go former Albert County residents, GO!

    Oh, and I didn’t know podiatrists could be so young. 🙂

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