Did I say that out loud?

Thoughts and musings of a mom

My Man Cold

on January 26, 2014

When I get a cold, I am such a man. Once I realize that vast quantities of vitamin C are not going to scare this monster of mass destruction away, I lay down and cry out in defeat. And then I cry some more. Cry out for orange juice. Cry out for cold medication. Cry out for tissues. Cry out for a thermometer. Cry out for silence. For crying out loud!

But alas, at some point, in the midst of trying not to cough up a furball or anything remotely close to it, this past week while suffering from such a cold, I made a number of observations.

So, without further ado, here is a rundown of my rundown week…

1) Netflix can be my friend. Even the Canadian version.
2) I haven’t slept that much since 1989. Scratch that, maybe not since 1974. I didn’t think it could be done.
3) Eventually I can become sick of chicken soup. And eventually, it does nothing for my soul either.
4) There are more brands of lemon honey cough drops on the market than I would ever care to know about. The ones from the dollar store may be a tad sketchy, but so far, I haven’t grown any extra body parts because of them, so all is well.
5) I haven’t worn PJ’s that much since 1972. Don’t worry, they weren’t the same pair, and I only wore them out in public once when I had to drop my girls off at the bus stop, and I stayed in the van. I did not go to the Walmart in them. Or at least, I’m quite sure I didn’t.
6) Not leaving the confines of my house for that many days can make me crave a trip to the grocery store. Yeah, the place, where I probably picked up the germs in the first place.
7) If I weren’t afraid of my pipes freezing and subsequently bursting, I would have opened the windows to air out my house. I felt like I lived in a science lab, minus the rats. My house was a giant sized Petri dish.
8) If someone sneezes on me next week, I may have a mental breakdown. I will weep uncontrollably.
9) Forget Employee of the Month. I had Symptom of the Day.
10) I did not have the flu but I’m strongly considering sticking my arm out the next time the vaccine goes by. I’m afraid of needles, so to say that I actually plan on getting a vaccination, is an incredible milestone.
11) When so and so called from Microsoft to tell me there was something wrong with my computer, he probably wanted to wait to call back until I’m not under the influence of cold medication. Here is a manuscript of our phone call (for quality insurance purposes, they may have a slightly different record of our phone call).
Fake Microsoft Guy: I’m calling to tell you that your computer is broken and if you turn it on right now, punch in a few numbers for me, I will then proceed to steal your valuable information and identity….blah, blah, blah.
Me: Oh no, I’m home sick, and I can’t turn on my computer or THEY will know.
FMG: Ok, ma’am, I just need you to…
Me (now in loud wailing voice): No, you don’t understand. If I turn on my computer, they will know, but you’re telling me my computer is broken, and it needs to be fixed, but if I turn on my computer, then they will know, and I will be fired, and then I will be fired and have a broken computer, and I won’t be able to fix it because I can’t afford to because I have no job. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Oh no, oh no, oh no!
FMG: (stunned silence)
Me: (repeat of above wailing)
FMG: Ok, ma’am, I am going to call you back when you are feeling better.
Me (in a very calm voice now): No, don’t do that either.
12) When the Fake Microsoft Guy didn’t call back the next day, I was almost disappointed because I had an entirely new scenario I wanted to try out. And then I realized that my sense of humour might be more sick (ha ha) than I thought. Or it was time for more cold medication.

When I finally did leave the house at the end of this week (to take the girls to their swimming lessons, and then later to have a near mental/parental breakdown in the grocery store – I was craving THAT?), I left my hood/hat off to feel the cool -20 degree Celsius breezes blowing through my hair because to be quite frank, the closest I got to fresh air this week came from a baseboard heater.

At the end of the week, because I like to share, I passed this monstrosity of a cold on to my husband.

Ok, now who’s the man?

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4 responses to “My Man Cold

  1. Angie says:

    I hope you are feeling better AND that your hubby is weathering the man cold better than expected!!

  2. Lori Murphy says:

    You, my friend, have quite a gift! Thanks for sharing. Glad you only shared your humor and not the actual cold. This was hilarious!

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