Did I say that out loud?

Thoughts and musings of a mom

New Year’s Resolutions (Suggestions) 2018

Well, it’s that time again, boys and girls.  The New Year’s Resolutions/Suggestions.  As I reflect back on my resolutions from last year, I see that I did eat cleaner (a little), kept up my stockpile of toilet paper, read a little more (those bloody British detective shows on Netflix are still getting in my way….you see what I did there, eh?), gave up my magazine subscriptions, and typed with only one space after the period (ok, I did it for the report cards because I could only use 147 characters to tell parents how amazing their kids are).  I still need to empty out my deep freeze, incorporate more song lyrics into everyday conversation, have more company over, convince Ganong’s Chocolate Factory to bring back their vanilla cream drop chocolates, and of course, sing backup for Meghan Trainor.  So, without further ado, I give you my latest kick at the can.

New Year’s Suggestions.  V.2018.

*Make more soup.  Last year was the year of Dill Pickle Soup.  I was freaking amazing at it, almost to the point where I got sick of it.  I know, it’s hard to believe that I would become sick of anything dill pickle, but I almost did.  This year, I am going to venture out and make more (different) soup.  Some day, I am going to be a good old person, eating my soup and half of a toasted sandwich.  Yeah, right.  I’ll still eat the entire sandwich.  And the desert.

*Learn to not knock into various household items/furniture with my glasses while wearing my new(er) glasses.  Yes, they are incredibly dirty right at this very moment, but most of the time, they are not, and yet, I continue to bang into things with them.  Either my depth perception is off, or I have experienced more near death situations before wearing them than I ever realized.  It may actually be miraculous that I still have two eyes in my head, given the amount of things that I have bumped into.

*Get those stupid front steps of mine stained.  I am fairly certain that there is neighbourhood bet on when this will be accomplished.  Those seniors down the street look all sweet and innocent, but five bucks says that they’re hedging bets on my step sustainability.

*Clean up the potty mouth inside my head.  Fortunately, my filter still works adequately, but there will come a day when it begins to thin (some may think it already has).  So in the meantime, I am going to clean up my act, and come up with more descriptive adjectives to employ for nouns that infuriate me.

*Cut back on my online shopping.  I told my banker that I was going to do this, and within 30 seconds of me arriving home from that appointment, the Purolator guy shows up at my front door steps with my latest Old Navy order.  In my defence, I did need new clothes this year.  Ok, I’ll try harder with this one.

*Eat out less.  I think we have been a bit better in this area this year.  Well, maybe.  Waiting for the lightning to strike.  Again, in my defence, it is nice to hear how former students are doing, and if you need to go through the McDonald’s drive thru in order to do so, so be it.

*Listen to more podcasts.  I discovered a couple that I really like this past summer, and really want to get into listening to them more.  So if I cut back on the online shopping, I’ll have more time for this.  Win win.  Check out For The Love (Jen Hatmaker) if you’re looking for one.

*Convince Jennifer Hudson to sing at my funeral (Date TBA….I’m voting for a much later date).  Not that I plan on dying this year, but let’s face it, Jennifer Hudson singing How Great Thou Art with Pentatonix doing the backup vocals would be an amazing show.  It’s too bad that I would miss it, but you can all thank me later.

*I recently discovered these neat little devotionals on the YouVersion app.  I had only ever used the app to look up various Bible verses before, but since discovering this, have made better use of this app.  Um, admitting that I like the app because of its devotional content rather than its actual Bible content sounds a little sacrilegious.  Oops.

*Blog more.  I could blame my lack of writing this year on writer’s block, or my busy schedule, but really, we all know deep down, that those darn British detective shows are really to blame.

Well, there we have it folks.  To new beginnings and more soup (and maybe less crime solving)!  God bless you all in this new year!

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My heart will go on…

Dear John Pepsi,

I have loved you for so long.  I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t love you.  You have been with me through the good times and the bad, the happy and the sad, and of course, the downright ugly.  I will hold all of these memories so close to my heart.

But life brings with it many changes.  They tell me that I am the one who needs to make the changes in my life.  They say that I need to break it off with you, that I need to drink more water.  I tried to tell them that you give me energy.  I told them that I didn’t care about your reputation.  I was not afraid to be out in public with you.  I was not ashamed of our relationship.  They tell me that your sweetness will wear off, and that soon, I will see the truth of our relationship.

Perhaps ignorance has been the bliss of our relationship.

I have found us drifting apart lately though.  It’s not you.  It’s me.  I can’t change you, nor would I ever want to.  You are perfect in your own refreshingly, sweet way.  Please stay the same.

If you ever see me out in public, know that it is breaking my heart, but I need to avoid you. You may not see me in restaurants and convenience stores as much.  I may need to avoid your aisle in the grocery stores too.  It’s better that way for the both of us.  I’m not that strong.  I am weak.  You are my kryptonite.

You deserve to live your life, the life that was intended for you.

What I wouldn’t give to have you here, beside me, right now.  But it’s best that we cut this relationship between us off right now.

Maybe after the pain has lessened, we can hang out again from time to time.  I would like that.  But understand, it may be too much right now.

Sincerely,
C

P.S. If, under any circumstances, you ever see me with tomato juice though, know that something is wrong.  It will be a sign that I have joined a cult.  You can join forces with Coke, if necessary, and aid in my rescue.

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Dear Walmart

 

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123 Main Street
Somewhere Hot in July 
E1E 1O1

456 Main Street
Somewhere in Head Office Land
LOL LOL

A Very Hot Day in July, 2016

Dear Walmart,

Are you trying to kill me?

I know the early bird gets the worm, or in this case, the light blue duotang (which coincidently is not a real word according to Word and any other word processing program), but why do you insist on selling school supplies in July?  

My heart rate increases (ok, I admit the Heart and Stroke Foundation would probably like it to increase a bit from its current status, but this is not what they had in mind), I get all sweaty, my stomach lurches, and occasionally very bad words slip out of my mouth at the site of those pencils and paper.  Some years, I even throw up in my mouth.  Repeatedly.

Now if you camouflaged those scissors and rulers down in office supplies, where they rightfully belong, all would be well, or at least, excusable.  But no siree, you insist on placing them right out front, so there is no escaping their presence.  Yup, here’s your cart on your right and over here to your left is your brand new box of 64 crayons (which by the way, should be illegal, but that’s a whole other topic).

There should be a set beginning to the Back-to-School shopping season.  It could even be government regulated, just like hunting or fishing season.  And while we are on the topic, age restrictions would be good too (right up there with buying cigarettes and alcohol).  Here are the set days (I suggest the third week of August to the last week of September) and the age requirements (17+).  

Walmart, you could be a trend setter.  Picture it!  Keep the fans and air conditioners out front, along with the bubbles and pool supplies.  Let us live in our sunscreen and (pool) chemical(ly) induced vacation fantasy worlds a little longer.

Come on.  I’m not asking for rainbows and unicorns here, folks.  School is eventually going to begin. There’s no stopping it.  The leaves will change colour.  The air will grow cooler.  Pencils will be sharpened and zippers zippered.  But right now, while I’m dripping in sweat from some July pre-menopausal hot flash, I am not in the mood for buying school supplies.  My July pay check was meant for overpriced ice cream cones and slushies.  Sell the awesomeness of school supplies when it cooler outside, so we don’t have to try to convince our little ones that the polka dots on their light blue duotangs were made that way by the company, and not their mother’s sweat and tears dripping onto them in the shopping cart.

I am certain that we can come to a mutually agreed upon decision here.  If you are willing to meet with me to discuss this matter more fully, I can be found in the candy section of your store buying freezies at least once a week.  Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. 

And just so you know how serious this issue is, I am passing this letter along to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.  Don’t be surprised if you hear from them too this year regarding the early starts to their seasons.

Sincerely, 

A melting-in-July mother of 2 and teacher of many more

cc:  Santa Claus
       Easter Bunny
 

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